Earning the Title: Fiancé Edition

Good Morning Ladies!

If you are already married to your Marine, this post will not apply to you.  This is for the girls who have a man in boot camp/girls who are getting married to their Marine out of fear so they can be with him: 


In today's society we are all about the instant gratification.  We want what we want and we want it now!  Texting, Social media and alike has turned us all into Veruca Salts.  I don't know about you, but she was never my favorite character on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  This causes a problem because we can't function when we have to wait for something.  Sometimes we have to remember the longer you wait for something or earn something--the sweeter it is.  When I was a teenager, my parents wouldn't buy a car for me because they told me I needed to earn it myself.  I didn't really understand the concept until I was older, but I understand the appreciation you get when you wait until you earn what you want. So today, I'm going to talk about earning a title that we all want: Fiancé.  

No, I'm not a Fiancé, but of course I want to be!  What girl hasn't imagined her wedding day: All the beautiful flowers, a string quartet playing as you walk down the aisle with your father, the look on your man's face--every girl has her picture perfect wedding day.  When you get engaged, that means the last piece of the puzzle is in place.  


Because of the "I want it NOW" stage that is society, I see couples getting engaged and married before they are ready.  Now that I've been involved with the Military lifestyle once again, I'm starting to see it more and more.  Here is the typical picture: A girl's boyfriend graduates from boot camp,  he proposes, they get married during his 10 day leave.  I would say that happens to about 15-25% (maybe more) of the girls that see their man graduate boot camp.  If you're ready to take that next step in your relationship, go for it!  But in my experience this probably isn't the wisest choice for you or your new Marine.  

What most girls fail to realize is that getting married to a man in the Military will be a lifestyle change for both of you.  After boot camp a lot of girls feel pressured into getting married because that's the "typical" and romantic thing to do in these types of relationships.  Yes, it happens a lot, but getting married is life changing for both parties.  Think about it: he just finished his first portion of training, he's been brainwashed for 13 weeks and has been made into a killing machine.  He has already gone through 13 weeks of "your life isn't your own, it's the Marine Corps'" and now you're asking him to make another life changing decision right after he has already started the biggest transition of his life.  In my mind, that isn't fair to you or to him. 

What I'm trying to get at is: if you love each other, no amount of distance or time should change that.  Why not put your relationship to the test and try out this lifestyle before making the biggest commitment of your life?  You aren't just marrying him, you're marrying his lifestyle and you need to be okay with that.  Just because you're with him, doesn't mean it will be better.  For example, Ryan and I had talked about getting married while he was in MOS school so he wouldn't be sent to Japan.  Once we decided that was the wrong decision for us, they gave us the news that his Duty Station would be overseas in Oki.  I can't even tell you how heartbroken I was and I was kicking myself thinking, We should have gotten married. How are we going to make it through this unscathed?  Looking back, I'm so glad that we didn't get married because when he arrived at his Duty Station they offered him his dream job.  If we had gotten married he wouldn't have had that opportunity.  In my experience, most single enlisted guys get more opportunities than the married enlisted guys.  I would never want to stand in the way of any opportunity Ryan has ahead of him.  Whether or not our relationship is strong enough to make it through Japan is yet to be seen, but by the end of his time there we will know.  

All of your Marines had to earn the title, "Marine", so why do some of us feel that the title "Wife" or "Fiancé" is something we deserve after only 13 weeks?  There are many other tough times ahead for the two of you, so show your man that you're faithful, loving, caring, understanding and that you can handle this lifestyle.  If you can't handle it as a girlfriend, what makes you think you can handle it as a wife?

Love Languages

Good Morning Gals!

Even though I've talked about the 5 different Love Languages, I still thought I should talk about them.  I have had several conversations with people about this recently, so I thought it best to write my thoughts down in a post for the world to hear! 

What are the different Love Languages?

1. Receiving Gifts

2. Words of Affirmation

3. Acts of Service

4. Physical Touch

5. Quality Time

Why do you need to know your Love Language and your S/O's?

Every relationship functions differently, but if you don't know what your Love Language is, how do you expect your partner to express love in the "correct" way?  Personally, I have had this problem in my relationship before. 

Just picture it: I say, "Ryan, it would be really nice to get a card in the mail or maybe even some yen from Japan! Just something small. It would mean so much to me!" Now Ryan responds with, "We talk and I tell you how much I care. How is that not enough for you?" 

What we have there, ladies and gents, is a major language barrier. Ryan can't understand why the way he communicates his love for me isn't coming across the way he intends it. While I can't comprehend the reason he won't send me something.  The problem is that we aren't speaking the same language and both of us have to be willing to become bilingual.  Yes, it seems pointless to you to clean the toilet, but if your partner speaks "Acts of Service", that could mean the world to her.  Going to play mini-golf might seem stupid to you, but if your partner loves mini-golf and he speaks "Quality Time", do something fun together that he will appreciate. 

Now, to nip something in the bud that has been misconstrued: Physical Touch.  If your love language is Physical Touch that doesn't mean you express love through having intimate relations with your partner.  Physical Touch is meant to be things like hugging your partner when she feels down or holding her hand in the mall so everyone knows that she is your girl.  This Love Language can be very hard to handle in this lifestyle since the times we are physically with our loved ones isn't very often.  Just try and make the best of any situation.

All of that to say, learn your partner's Love Language.  It will make communicating with them easier and you will get a better understanding of who they are.  We all want to feel loved, so show your partner you love them in a way they will understand.

Find out your Love Language 

Friends; By Ella Young

Friends.

By Ella Young

Recently a friend on Facebook shared a meme that really stuck a cord.

When I began this journey as Marine Mom I had no idea all the people I would “meet” along the way and what their presence in my life would mean.

A mom in my recruit parent support group became my “battle buddy” and later my BFF. She became my confidant, my one on one support system when no one else understands. We have shared our happy moments, our sad moments and our fears. Not one day has gone by without a text or message between each other. Our friendship isn’t just about being Mothers of a Marine but friends who care about each other and our families. A friendship that wasn’t expected but definitely a gift!

Over a year later and we are still great friends. I have been lucky enough to spend time with her and her family though she is hundreds of miles away. That being said she is also just a quick text or phone call away.

The bond and connections I have made with other MoM’s is pretty incredible. This journey has been a roller coaster of emotions. Only another MoM understands the white knuckle ride this can be.

 As my son continues on his journey I know I can count on these amazing ladies to build me up when I’m feeling down. It’s all about support and love. 

This family of mine also includes a couple of ladies I like to call my daughters. As I have come to know them it didn’t take long to realize how special they are in addition to beautiful, smart and loving. The Marines in their lives are so lucky to have them! I enjoy my conversations with them and feel glad that they are willing to share conversations with me, good and bad. As my BFF says, it’s not always rainbows and unicorns.

So my friends never forget just how special you are to me.

Overcoming Other Relationships

Morning Chikas!

Today's post is going to be more of a rant, so I'm sorry in advance.  I hope I don't step on any toes once again! 

Recently I've seen a lot of MilSOs putting their friends in "normal" relationships on blast.  They seem to think that because these girls see their man every day they don't have a right to be upset when their man goes away for any length of time.  Today, I'm going to try and help my MilSO friends overcome these feelings:

Perspective
She may see her boyfriend every day, but that doesn't give you license to belittle her when her man goes away for a weekend, week, etc.  You could be sitting complaining about not having seen your man in 6 months when there are other ladies who haven't seen their man in a year or more.  Before you judge girls in "normal" relationships for complaining, think about other ladies who have it worse than you.  Your situation could always be worse!  Try to keep that in mind next time you see a post about a friend's boyfriend or hubby going away for any length of time.

I would encourage you to enlighten your friends as to how everyone's situation could be worse--whether you're in a "normal" relationship or in a relationship with someone in the military.  Just remember, don't attack--enlighten.

Understanding
I tend to use the word "ignorant" a lot when speaking of girls who are in "normal" relationships.  Ignorant has a negative connotation, but I'm not meaning it in a negative way.  The definition Merriam-Webster gives us is:

The second definition is how I'm meaning for the word to be taken: Unaware, Uninformed.  That's all your friends in "normal" relationships know, so why do we always feel the need to bash the fact that they get to see their men every day?  It's not fair of us to get upset with them for being unaware of our circumstances.  

Keep Scrolling

Let's face it, most of our frustrations come from Facebook and other social media.  Either you like what you see, or you don't.  My mother always said to me "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"  So, when it comes to Social Media you just have to...

Listen to Dory, people!  Social media has enough drama already without all of us MilSOs getting into it with others as well as each other.  

Hopefully this was thought-provoking and eye-opening.  

Until next time!

Sacrifice or Compromise?

Good Morning Chikas!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I always feel like I'm the one who is bending and "giving in" in my relationship.  I find myself constantly saying: Why don't you make some sacrifices for once in this relationship!  What I sometimes fail to realize is that my man is thinking the same thing about me.  It's all in the way you look at things.  For example, your boyfriend calls you in the middle of the night because that's the only time he has available.  You see it as you making the sacrifice because he is calling you while you should be asleep; however, he sees it as a sacrifice for him because he is calling you in the middle of the day and had to rush across base to get WiFi so y'all could talk. 

I know I'm not the only one who gets too caught up in "me, me, me" to realize everything that he does to show me he cares.  Sometimes that is forgotten when you're only looking at what you're bringing to the table.  It's not about who is making a sacrifice in the relationship--it's all about compromise!

Even if you feel like you're making a "sacrifice" you aren't.  You both need to learn how to compromise in your relationship. The key word here is both.  This (just like everything in your relationship) is a team effort!  Just something to think about today!

Have a slammin' Tuesday!

The Basics After Basic Training; By Beth Tousley

The Basics After Basic Training

Beth Tousley

Hey ladies! I want to first off let you know I count it an enormous privilege to write to you all. When Katie asked me to take on one of her blog spots, I was truly honored.

My name is Beth. I met my man right before he entered the United States Air Force Academy (USAFA) in Colorado Springs. Following that were four years of long distance dating and 16 months of military spouse life. A lot of the stuff I have to share will probably be nothing new to you all. (I know because I read a lot of it while I was waiting for Nathan to graduate) But, it rings especially true now. Hopefully, I can put a fresh spin on some military SO basics.

Remember It’s a Gift

If you’ve been dating your SO long distance for any amount of time, you probably figured this one out. Dating long distance is a gift and it has major perks. Before too many eyebrows are exerted in the prolonged, sarcastically cocked position, let me explain. We have the opportunity to have the best of both worlds. We get the security of loving and being loved by someone special (and, in all likelihood, incredibly good-looking, considering the effect of a U.S. military uniform). We have a reason to plan trips, dream of the future, write letters, and look forward to the holidays. On the other hand, we have the time and the freedom to enrich our girlfriend bonds, to mentor someone, to capitalize on our personal hobbies, and advance our own education and/or career.  We’ve got it *made*! For me, at least, I know it was perfect. I really value my freedom and independence, but I also reveled in the mutual support channeled between Nathan and myself during our years apart. Sure, we could stay at home, yank a carton of ice cream out of the freezer, and sit there feeling sorry for ourselves; but, we’d be missing out on the fantastic gift in our lap—right underneath that bowl mounded with scoops of rocky road.

Tie A Rock To Expectations and Throw Them In the River

The name of the game is flexibility, ladies. Just because he’s able to call you every night one week, doesn’t mean he’ll have the time (or consciousness) to do the same next week. He sent you roses last year for your anniversary, but a dozen red ones may not magically appear at your door this time. Expectations are dangerous things. They can’t be fulfilled one hundred percent of the time; and when they aren’t, bitterness germinates. The best thing to do is to drown them.

Now, that being said, there is a huge difference between unspoken expectations (bad) and clearly-communicated ground rules (good). When both of you understand what’s important to the other, you’ll be able to read and predict each other with more precision. It will lead to less disappointment and prevent any toxic resentment from polluting your communication.

Knock Jealousy Unconscious and Throw It In the River Too

When Nathan was away at the academy, he got on the debate team. Great. He had friends on the debate team. Great. He had *female* friends on the debate team. …Hmmm. Ok. He had female friends on his debate team that were pretty. …hmmm. Not so ok. He had pretty female friends on the debate team who posted pics on FB of them standing beside him—and they wrote on his timeline. *Loads Uzi* *Adjusts mirror sunglasses* Ok. This woman is goin’ down. It was really sad, actually. I had it in for a particular girl who debated with him. Every time I saw her face in a picture, it chafed at my insides. I stalked her photos. I prayed she’d have an outbreak of acne or obesity—or both. I tried not to let on how I felt to Nathan directly—besides, he always had some lame excuse like she was dating someone else, or she was engaged now or something like that. I’ve gotta admit, I breathed a sigh of relief when she finally got married.

Okay. You can laugh at my overreaction (or maybe empathize), but I think all of us feel at a disadvantage as military SOs. We’re jealous of the girls who are lucky enough to be in the same town as their boyfriends—the ones who have more money for travel to their military men—the ones who get to wear fatigues beside our men. We feel cheated. We’re on our guard. We feel like every other female is a threat in some way. It’s gotta stop, ladies. Jealousy will poison our relationships and eventually translate as mistrust to our SOs in uniform if we let it fester. We’re in this together, girls. This isn’t a beauty pageant (neither is it a money or proximity contest). Too many of us are trying to turn this into a weird version of The Hunger Games (myself included) while we fail to realize we can *all* win; it’s not a story of kill or be killed. We can lift each other up and cheer for everyone.

Befriend the World

Right on the heels of chucking jealousy, I want to address the habit of befriending the world. If you’re with your military man for the long haul (and I hope that’s what you all have in mind), your social survival hinges on your ability to make friends out of strangers. It begins when you toss out your own insecurities and inhibitions, and seek to reach out to those around you. Frankly, I’m the type of person who loves striking up a discussion about different kinds of tomatoes in the produce department; but, for some people it may take more of an effort to go that extra mile to make human contact. It might be easier to look for needs and fulfill them—e.g. Helping a neighbor struggling to take out the trash, baking cookies for your SO and his buddies, writing a random note of encouragement to your mailman, giving the commissary bagger an extra large tip. So much of this feeds a mindset that helps with PCS moves as you adjust to and embrace a brand new community. It’s important to be a part of your surroundings, and nothing grafts you in quite as easily as reaching out and meeting small needs in your own neighborhood. Befriend the world and you will never be lonely. One of my favorite quotes of all time is the simple phrase “Never regret a kindness.” It always comes back to you.

What do you ladies think? Do you have any stories to backup (or refute) any of these points? Anything you would add? 

"Knight in Shining Armour"

Morning Chikas!

I really feel like I've been such a downer lately and I'm sorry for that.  Today isn't going to be a particularly peppy post either, so brace yourselves!

 I have been told that my sense of love and romanticism is severely warped.  This could be true, but I don't think there is a girl who doesn't want their Knight in Shining Armour to save them from the crazy wiles of this world.  This is a cheesy concept and every girl might not want to admit it, but she wants someone who will fight for her.  Girls want to feel protected, loved and taken care of.  It's just part of our nature!

Lately, I have tried to be realistic about the KISA (Knight in Shining Armour): I tend to think of this concept too literally (like I did when I was a little girl).  I find the need to feel "saved" so much that I have way too many expectations out of my relationship.  I will totally admit that sometimes I expect the "happily ever after" where Ryan and I ride white horses off into the sunset.  That's not reality.

I know I'm not alone in all of these things.  When girls enter this lifestyle with their boyfriend or husband, they come with the expectation their hero will save them from anything.  What we sometimes fail to understand is that our KISA is off fighting his own monsters.  He often doesn't have time to coddle us because of our false sense of what a "fairy tale" ending is.  Your Knight in Shining Armour needs you to be emotionally strong and stable because he won't always be there to slay your dragons for you.  We need to learn to slay our own dragons!