The Basics After Basic Training
Beth Tousley
Hey ladies! I want to
first off let you know I count it an enormous privilege to write to you all.
When Katie asked me to take on one of her blog spots, I was truly honored.
My name is Beth. I met my man right before he entered the
United States Air Force Academy (USAFA) in Colorado Springs. Following that were
four years of long distance dating and 16 months of military spouse life. A lot
of the stuff I have to share will probably be nothing new to you all. (I know
because I read a lot of it while I was waiting for Nathan to graduate) But, it
rings especially true now. Hopefully, I can put a fresh spin on some military
SO basics.
Remember It’s a Gift
If you’ve been dating your SO long distance for any amount
of time, you probably figured this one out. Dating long distance is a gift and
it has major perks. Before too many eyebrows are exerted in the prolonged,
sarcastically cocked position, let me explain. We have the opportunity to have
the best of both worlds. We get the security of loving and being loved by
someone special (and, in all likelihood, incredibly good-looking, considering
the effect of a U.S. military uniform). We have a reason to plan trips, dream
of the future, write letters, and look forward to the holidays. On the other
hand, we have the time and the freedom to enrich our girlfriend bonds, to
mentor someone, to capitalize on our personal hobbies, and advance our own
education and/or career. We’ve got it
*made*! For me, at least, I know it was perfect. I really value my freedom and
independence, but I also reveled in the mutual support channeled between Nathan
and myself during our years apart. Sure, we could stay at home, yank a carton
of ice cream out of the freezer, and sit there feeling sorry for ourselves;
but, we’d be missing out on the fantastic gift in our lap—right underneath that
bowl mounded with scoops of rocky road.
Tie A Rock To
Expectations and Throw Them In the River
The name of the game is flexibility, ladies. Just because
he’s able to call you every night one week, doesn’t mean he’ll have the time
(or consciousness) to do the same next week. He sent you roses last year for
your anniversary, but a dozen red ones may not magically appear at your door
this time. Expectations are dangerous things. They can’t be fulfilled one
hundred percent of the time; and when they aren’t, bitterness germinates. The
best thing to do is to drown them.
Now, that being said, there is a huge difference between
unspoken expectations (bad) and clearly-communicated ground rules (good). When
both of you understand what’s important to the other, you’ll be able to read
and predict each other with more precision. It will lead to less disappointment
and prevent any toxic resentment from polluting your communication.
Knock Jealousy
Unconscious and Throw It In the River Too
When Nathan was away at the academy, he got on the debate
team. Great. He had friends on the
debate team. Great. He had *female*
friends on the debate team. …Hmmm. Ok. He
had female friends on his debate team that were pretty. …hmmm. Not so ok. He had pretty female friends on the debate team who
posted pics on FB of them standing beside
him—and they wrote on his timeline. *Loads Uzi* *Adjusts
mirror sunglasses* Ok. This woman is goin’ down. It was really
sad, actually. I had it in for a particular girl who debated with him. Every
time I saw her face in a picture, it chafed at my insides. I stalked her
photos. I prayed she’d have an outbreak of acne or obesity—or both. I tried not
to let on how I felt to Nathan directly—besides, he always had some lame excuse
like she was dating someone else, or she was engaged now or something like that.
I’ve gotta admit, I breathed a sigh of relief when she finally got married.
Okay. You can laugh at my overreaction (or maybe empathize),
but I think all of us feel at a disadvantage as military SOs. We’re jealous of
the girls who are lucky enough to be in the same town as their boyfriends—the
ones who have more money for travel to
their military men—the ones who get to wear fatigues beside our men. We feel cheated. We’re on our guard. We feel like
every other female is a threat in some way. It’s gotta stop, ladies. Jealousy
will poison our relationships and eventually translate as mistrust to our SOs
in uniform if we let it fester. We’re in this together, girls. This isn’t a
beauty pageant (neither is it a money or proximity contest). Too many of us are
trying to turn this into a weird version of The Hunger Games (myself included)
while we fail to realize we can *all* win; it’s not a story of kill or be
killed. We can lift each other up and cheer for everyone.
Befriend the World
Right on the heels of chucking jealousy, I want to address
the habit of befriending the world. If you’re with your military man for the
long haul (and I hope that’s what you all have in mind), your social survival
hinges on your ability to make friends out of strangers. It begins when you
toss out your own insecurities and inhibitions, and seek to reach out to those
around you. Frankly, I’m the type of person who loves striking up a discussion
about different kinds of tomatoes in the produce department; but, for some
people it may take more of an effort to go that extra mile to make human
contact. It might be easier to look for needs and fulfill them—e.g. Helping a
neighbor struggling to take out the trash, baking cookies for your SO and his
buddies, writing a random note of encouragement to your mailman, giving the
commissary bagger an extra large tip. So much of this feeds a mindset that
helps with PCS moves as you adjust to and embrace a brand new community. It’s
important to be a part of your surroundings, and nothing grafts you in quite as
easily as reaching out and meeting small needs in your own neighborhood.
Befriend the world and you will never be lonely. One of my favorite quotes of
all time is the simple phrase “Never regret a kindness.” It always comes back
to you.
What do you ladies think? Do you have any stories to
backup (or refute) any of these points? Anything you would add?
